Black Despondency

Personal Thoughts

(Insert Trigger Warning Here.)

Sometimes I just can’t help but want to die. I want to just leave this Earth in one flash. I feel like no matter what people tell me, I in fact don’t deserve to live. How is it that I am scraping my knees everyday trying to feed and help other people when I’m literally running on no food or mental energy? I work until I am completely out of breath, have no energy whatsoever, and am so hungry that I start seeing everything shake. Today, I had to stop and take a breath, because I almost collapsed.

 

People ask me “Why don’t you smile?” and I always think to myself, “How on Earth am I supposed to smile when everyone else’s happiness is always first before mine?” I don’t even remember the last time I felt true happiness. I wake up at 5 am and hop in the shower only to contemplate my own life while I pretend that every drop of water that falls from the showerhead is washing away all my pain, depression, and anxiety. Most of my time in the shower isn’t even showering but standing there and letting myself drown in my own thoughts while I wait for some sort of miracle to happen.

 

I have been in this position of being “suicidal” all my life, and while some people use alcohol or drugs to dull the pain, there is never anything strong enough for me. I don’t want to dull the pain; I want to end it completely, because if I only dull it for a little while, doesn’t that mean that I have to face the same struggle tomorrow? And the day after that? I feel like I often struggle to maintain relationships, to maintain my passion of art, to maintain financial stability, and to just maintain my whole life in general from the constant darkness that is always chasing me. Why can’t I just lay to rest my eyes and just fall into a deep slumber forever? Or at least until there is world peace and a livable hourly wage in a job that I don’t absolutely hate?

 

Am I the only one that experiences this feeling or am I alone in this feeling? Most days I feel like I’m the only one that experiences this. Is there really something worth living for, or is my whole life meant to be enslaved to serving people and making them happy? When will I experience true happiness? When will I be able to even breathe steadily without my heart wanting to rip out of my chest? I choke on my words often, trying to stabilize my emotions internally and quietly because no one likes to see disorder up close and personal, it just makes them uncomfortable.

 

The thing that hurts the most is that no matter how hard I try to work and make everyone happy, they’re either never happy enough or they become even more upset than the state they approached me in. I try so hard to make everyone smile and be content, but even with what I do; they never end up with a smile or even a simple “Thank you. I appreciate you.” because who needs to feel appreciated? I guess I don’t.

 

I just want to feel happy and appreciated.

 

I just want to feel like life is really worth living.

 

I don’t want to be suicidal anymore.

 

 

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Now

Uncategorized

Today, as I was sitting down on the grass and feeling the wind gently tug on my hair, and rooting my toes deeper and deeper into the Earth, I realized something. I realized something that I have been trying to figure out for the longest time, and that is, how important it is to be content with today and humble ourselves in the now. I know I usually do a Bible devotion, and such, but I felt as though I wanted to just release this thought in in the form of a blog post. I wanted to write a personal blog, as a release for the flow of thoughts that I have had today.

As I go about my days, I find myself always either regretting my past and wanting to go back and change something, or being overly anxious and distressed about my future. I know that I can’t be the only one who feels this way. As I thought deeper about this, I realized how much my past and future consume me so much, that I completely have been disregarding my present. It’s as though, I entirely forget about it, even though it’s happening. Isn’t that wild? When my brain started to churn again, I thought about what my past self was like. If my past self was always worrying about the future, which is my present self, how much has changed? Just as how if my future self starts regretting what her past self did, which is my present self, how much would I grow?

The answer is, that I wouldn’t. What is a life, if it is constantly being drowned by anxiety and stress? What good would it do me to feel this way? Will it make me healthier? Will it solve answers and questions? Because, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I am always asking questions and am in need of so many answers. But what if there are a large amount of questions about my life that can’t be answered? Isn’t that the beauty of this life? Isn’t it beautiful to have mystery in our lives? In time, our questions will surely be answered, but in the meantime, why can we not just sit, breathe, and take in today?

What if our lives were like books? And what if all the books that were sold in bookstores were just the summaries of the stories? Can you imagine that? All the books we read being one page long? We can’t expect our lives to be one page and feel complete. It’s not a book if it’s one page. It’s not a life if you lived out all your dreams and fulfilled all your goals and had all your questions answered in a day. That’s why our lives must be like a book, enjoying every page, little by little. There will be new chapters, and plot twists, and an ending, but until then, why not enjoy it, right?

Just a thought. I hope I didn’t confuse many of you, and I know I went on for a bit of a rant, but I just felt the need to express that today.

Thank you for those who have been reading my posts, and until next time!

Kat