(Insert Trigger Warning Here.)
Sometimes I just can’t help but want to die. I want to just leave this Earth in one flash. I feel like no matter what people tell me, I in fact don’t deserve to live. How is it that I am scraping my knees everyday trying to feed and help other people when I’m literally running on no food or mental energy? I work until I am completely out of breath, have no energy whatsoever, and am so hungry that I start seeing everything shake. Today, I had to stop and take a breath, because I almost collapsed.
People ask me “Why don’t you smile?” and I always think to myself, “How on Earth am I supposed to smile when everyone else’s happiness is always first before mine?” I don’t even remember the last time I felt true happiness. I wake up at 5 am and hop in the shower only to contemplate my own life while I pretend that every drop of water that falls from the showerhead is washing away all my pain, depression, and anxiety. Most of my time in the shower isn’t even showering but standing there and letting myself drown in my own thoughts while I wait for some sort of miracle to happen.
I have been in this position of being “suicidal” all my life, and while some people use alcohol or drugs to dull the pain, there is never anything strong enough for me. I don’t want to dull the pain; I want to end it completely, because if I only dull it for a little while, doesn’t that mean that I have to face the same struggle tomorrow? And the day after that? I feel like I often struggle to maintain relationships, to maintain my passion of art, to maintain financial stability, and to just maintain my whole life in general from the constant darkness that is always chasing me. Why can’t I just lay to rest my eyes and just fall into a deep slumber forever? Or at least until there is world peace and a livable hourly wage in a job that I don’t absolutely hate?
Am I the only one that experiences this feeling or am I alone in this feeling? Most days I feel like I’m the only one that experiences this. Is there really something worth living for, or is my whole life meant to be enslaved to serving people and making them happy? When will I experience true happiness? When will I be able to even breathe steadily without my heart wanting to rip out of my chest? I choke on my words often, trying to stabilize my emotions internally and quietly because no one likes to see disorder up close and personal, it just makes them uncomfortable.
The thing that hurts the most is that no matter how hard I try to work and make everyone happy, they’re either never happy enough or they become even more upset than the state they approached me in. I try so hard to make everyone smile and be content, but even with what I do; they never end up with a smile or even a simple “Thank you. I appreciate you.” because who needs to feel appreciated? I guess I don’t.
I just want to feel happy and appreciated.
I just want to feel like life is really worth living.
I don’t want to be suicidal anymore.
Furious Femmes 