Black Despondency

Personal Thoughts

(Insert Trigger Warning Here.)

Sometimes I just can’t help but want to die. I want to just leave this Earth in one flash. I feel like no matter what people tell me, I in fact don’t deserve to live. How is it that I am scraping my knees everyday trying to feed and help other people when I’m literally running on no food or mental energy? I work until I am completely out of breath, have no energy whatsoever, and am so hungry that I start seeing everything shake. Today, I had to stop and take a breath, because I almost collapsed.

 

People ask me “Why don’t you smile?” and I always think to myself, “How on Earth am I supposed to smile when everyone else’s happiness is always first before mine?” I don’t even remember the last time I felt true happiness. I wake up at 5 am and hop in the shower only to contemplate my own life while I pretend that every drop of water that falls from the showerhead is washing away all my pain, depression, and anxiety. Most of my time in the shower isn’t even showering but standing there and letting myself drown in my own thoughts while I wait for some sort of miracle to happen.

 

I have been in this position of being “suicidal” all my life, and while some people use alcohol or drugs to dull the pain, there is never anything strong enough for me. I don’t want to dull the pain; I want to end it completely, because if I only dull it for a little while, doesn’t that mean that I have to face the same struggle tomorrow? And the day after that? I feel like I often struggle to maintain relationships, to maintain my passion of art, to maintain financial stability, and to just maintain my whole life in general from the constant darkness that is always chasing me. Why can’t I just lay to rest my eyes and just fall into a deep slumber forever? Or at least until there is world peace and a livable hourly wage in a job that I don’t absolutely hate?

 

Am I the only one that experiences this feeling or am I alone in this feeling? Most days I feel like I’m the only one that experiences this. Is there really something worth living for, or is my whole life meant to be enslaved to serving people and making them happy? When will I experience true happiness? When will I be able to even breathe steadily without my heart wanting to rip out of my chest? I choke on my words often, trying to stabilize my emotions internally and quietly because no one likes to see disorder up close and personal, it just makes them uncomfortable.

 

The thing that hurts the most is that no matter how hard I try to work and make everyone happy, they’re either never happy enough or they become even more upset than the state they approached me in. I try so hard to make everyone smile and be content, but even with what I do; they never end up with a smile or even a simple “Thank you. I appreciate you.” because who needs to feel appreciated? I guess I don’t.

 

I just want to feel happy and appreciated.

 

I just want to feel like life is really worth living.

 

I don’t want to be suicidal anymore.

 

 

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Metamorphosis

Personal Thoughts

Do you ever just skim through old photographs and shock yourself with how much you’ve changed throughout the years? That’s definitely something a lot of us do, I mean, we even have a hash-tag for it: #tbt (Throwback Thursday anyone?). I guess it’s such a natural part of our humanity, isn’t it? Reminiscing through our past and trying to think of all the ways in which we have progressed or have become better as people?

Do you remember your first big haircut? I do. It was my freshman year and I had really long hair. Running track with long hair isn’t fun either, unless you like getting whipped in the face a bunch of times. A lot of people thought I had beautiful hair, and whenever I brought up the idea of cutting it, they would all instantly shut me down to tell me that I would really regret it. In the end, who’s to know? I ended up chopping most of it off, and I loved it. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders… literally though. Funny, how much a haircut can do. That haircut was one of many things that I did to change my physical appearance.

After freshman year, I was determined. I would try everything I could to become who I saw myself to be on the inside. I wanted others to view my creativity, but on my exterior, so I would draw out self portraits of how I imagined myself to look like in five years. Even after all the years of changing myself, I am still not done. I am much closer than I was the day before, though, which I’m content with. Even though I do want others to see my creativity, it doesn’t mean that I’m doing it for others, because ultimately, I’m doing it for myself. Coming from a very low self esteem and an eating disorder, I never saw myself as beautiful. However, the more I changed my outward appearance, the more beautiful I found myself to be.

My hair color, my accessories, my clothing, my tattoos; these are all apart of who I am and who I want to be. This doesn’t make me less of a person or more of a person, and it also does not mean that I am vain or selfish. These are what make me more confident and help me to stand up for myself. If dying my hair blue is going to make me smile a little bit more, or having a beautiful piece of art tattooed on my body is going to make me feel more confident in my skin and more badass, then why not?

met·a·mor·pho·sis

/ˌmedəˈmôrfəsəs/

Noun

  • a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.

We’re all going or have gone through some sort of “metamorphosis”, and it ‘s good, because we are not the people we were yesterday. I would be really worried if all of humanity still had the mind of a newborn, but lucky us, we’re not newborns! So, look around you, and take in all the beautiful people out there that are going through their own special metamorphosis. Each day we are closer to the person we want to be, and being closer to that is what makes us smile, and happiness is the one thing that looks great on everyone.